Clinton Portrait finally revealed!
A popular Des Moines barber shop had a new robotic barber installed.
A fellow came in for a haircut. As the robot began to cut his hair
it asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation
about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man
listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it
began the haircut, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So
the robot started talking about
football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow,
this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the barber shop. As with the others, the
robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The
robot then said, "So, are you Democrats really going to nominate
John Kerry?"
==============
How do you stop a herd of elephants from charging? Take away their credit
cards!
Bumper Sticker
The hottest selling new political bumper sticker
comes from New York state
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put them on the rear bumpers.
Republicans put them on the front bumpers.
Bush-Kerry Haircut
THIS JOKE HAS GOT TO BE NOMINATED FOR JOKE OF THE YEAR!
G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As
they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for
fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves,
the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry
was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell
that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush
replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like."
===========================
Subject: STATEMENT FROM FRENCH'S MUSTARD
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that
our product is manufactured in France.
There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
"Score one for Powell"
It's become almost routine for mbrs of the Americn press to throw dumb
or leading questions at mbrs of Bush Admin. Maybe that's one of the
reasons why Secy of State Colin Powell seemed so well prepared for the
shifty question recently hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter. According
to the NY Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell, "Isn't
it true that only
13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?" Powell countered.
"You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are
Marines."
Good shots fired in recent days:
(Regarding Colin Powell's UN presentation)
"[Powell's presentation] should have sent chills up the UN's spine;
and it
would have, if they had a spine." - Cal Thomas
"The problem is that, every time the French ambassador to the
UN votes, he
raises both hands in the air." - Argus Hamilton
"The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of
their friends
and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."
-
Dennis Miller
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks
it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one
behind me."
--- General George S. Patton
Political Humor...
Yes! It can be very funny at times!
You KNOW you're a Liberal if...
Food for thought on those who insist on voting the Democratic
ticket ...
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Washington, DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called
the US Senate for assistance.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Senator Teddy Kennedy. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Kennedy, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Two Louisiana alligators were sitting at
the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and
said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger 'n me. We're
the same age, we were the same size as kids ... I just don't get it."
"Well, " said the big 'gator, "what you been eatin' boy?"
"Democrats, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do ya catch 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by Boudreaux's."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus SUV's and waits fer someone
to unlock the door. Then I jumps out, grabs 'em on the leg, shakes the
crap out of 'em, and eats 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the
crap out of a Democrat, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a
briefcase."
=========================
Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when a rabid Rottweiler
attacked one of them. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off
a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking
the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and
rushed over to interview the boy.
The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the
headline:
"Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."
"But I'm not a Celtics fan, "the little hero interjected. "Sorry,
replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed
you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues
Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the
Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy."
"What team or person do you like?”
"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy
says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "Arrogant Little
Conservative Kills Beloved Family Pet."
======================
OFFICIAL 2004 DNC CONVENTION PROGRAM
6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony.
6:30pm - Anti-war rally no. 1.
6:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:00pm - Tribute theme to France.
7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.
7:20pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25pm - Tribute theme to Spain.
7:45pm - Anti-war rally no. 2. (Moderated by Michael Moore)
8:00pm - John Kerry presents one side of the issues
8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:30pm - Terrorist appeasement workshop.
9:00pm - Gay marriage ceremony.
9:30pm - * Intermission *
10:00pm - Flag burning ceremony no. 2.
10:15pm - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.
10:30pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50pm - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.
11:00pm - Double gay marriage ceremony.
11:15pm - Maximizing Welfare workshop.
11:20pm - John Kerry presents the other side of the issues
11:30pm - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.
11:59pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:00am - Nomination of Democrat candidate.
- (Original author unknown)
=====================
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed
any better,
on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside
in
Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish
than
sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress
of the 1940s
who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face
for
it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because
he hates
America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help
us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out
of
France!"
---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris
under a German flag."
--David Letterman
and the coup d' grace:
President Bush to George Stephanopoulos: "Welcome back to the
White House,
George. We'll have to make sure that we count the silverware."
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without
your
accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about
it."
---- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German
Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin
